Champions' Disgrace
by dekusprout1
Summary: Revali scoffed, turning away from the group. "Spare me, Urbosa. Just know that the princess will see my own bird one day, and believe me, it won't be little!" Link woke up with intentions to copulate-not foreseeing the many obstacles that would rooster-block his path. PARODY. RATED M.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The** **Legend of Zelda or any of the characters, settings, etc. associated with it here. They are all the property of Nintendo. **

* * *

"Link! WAKE UP! _Stop jerking off!_" the castle guardsman yelled as he banged on the knight's wooden door.

The blond Hylian groaned as he stirred, hugging his pillow over his pointy ears, not wanting to get up. He'd been having the most ecstatic dream. The door shook again, his commanding officer screaming that it was already half past six and to hurry up and get his ass down to breakfast. He had a Champions' meeting today!

Link jerked-and not just because of the after-effects of his dream. _That's right...today's a Champions' meeting!_ He spotted the epic boner poking through his blanket.

Damn Princess Zelda and her vixen ways! Now he had _two_ problems to deal with: getting up and getting off-and he'd better hurry if he was to be on time for the meeting. Seeing the beautiful blonde's face was one of the few things that motivated Link to wake up early.

_ Zelda, baby...here I come!_

In more ways than one.

* * *

Link piled his plate with wildberry crepes, omelets, seared steak, fried wild greens, and a loaf of fresh bread-not forgetting the jug of milk and bowl of fruit he needed for nutrition. He brought this small meal to his usual spot at the end of the dining hall's long table. As he wolfed down his soldier's benefits a tall, stocky guy with rooster hair strutted by as if he had a stick up his ass.

"_Guh, huh, huh_..." The lower-ranked knight held his chin, humongous shadow casting over Link. "_Guh, huh, huh..._look who it is...the twiggy little loser who thinks he actually has a chance with Zelda. Keep eating, punk, 'cause turning into a fatass like Ganon is the closest you'll ever get to capturing her."

Link continued eating, expression blank. Then he stood, and-after taking a big gulp of milk-poured the jug over Groose's head. The redhead gasped, creepy yellow eyes bulging as the entire Royal Guard started laughing at him. Link exited the hall before Groose could mar his beautiful face, and headed towards the baths.

Today was _his_ day, and he wasn't going to let _anyone_ ruin that.

* * *

After bathing and donning the blue Champion's tunic he often masturbated in, Link began climbing the countless flights of Hyrule Castle's stairs leading up to the Champions' Hall in the tallest tower. The Hall was located directly above King Rhoam's throne room, and though its location flattered Link, it also annoyed him, for the room had a large gaping hole in the center that displayed the throne beneath. Many seduction attempts had been thwarted by the ever-watchful hole and Link often wondered if the king knew this.

Luck was on his side though as today the king had a meeting elsewhere in the castle. Him and his merry crew of soldiers would be gone, leaving the Sanctum virtually empty. This was Link's chance to fulfill one of his long-dormant fantasies: penetrating Zelda inside an empty Champions' Hall.

The Hylian Champion headed up the curving corridor of stairs that led to the room and entered the meeting.

"Late again...?" a low, sensual voice called; it was, unfortunately, not Zelda, but the older sex symbol of the group, Gerudo Champion Urbosa. The statuesque redhead clutched her regal chair's armrests like a throne, long hair falling past her ass and almost touching the floor.

"He probably overslept, as usual..." Revali sneered as he too sat his feathered ass on a chair next to her, clutching his armrests as if he were king. The Rito Champion had long blue feathers that draped down his wings and liked making a name for himself as The Asshole.

"_Hey, now_-the little guy needs his rest every now and then!" a fat, built, but gentle giant boomed in his specially-sized chair. Daruk was the Goron Champion and was like a Big Bro to Link. He grinned at the blond, bobbing his hairy white eyebrows while jerking his head over to Zelda and the empty seat beside her.

"Good morning, Link," The red-scaled Zora Champion smiled at him, hands on her lap. Mipha was fish royalty, and though she and Link had been close pals back in the day, lately she'd developed a creepy habit of staring at him for long periods of time. He didn't know how to tell her he wasn't interested.

They sat around the gape hole in that order: going counterclockwise from Zelda, Urbosa, Revali, Daruk, Mipha, and the empty seat which was Link's, completing the epic crew of Ganon's doom.

"Well, now that Link is here..." a soft, accented falsetto said...and Link looked to the north of the huge room to see the object of his lust and affection gazing at him. Princess Zelda tapped her armrest with one manicured hand, scrutinizing him with her sapphire eyes. "...shall we begin?"

* * *

The meeting seemed to end as soon as it began, mostly because Link had been too busy fantasizing about his wet dream coming true to pay any real attention. The group began dispersing down the two staircases that exited the Hall; Link went to follow Zelda in the staircase she took with Urbosa and Revali, hoping to lure her back into the soon-to-be-empty-room...but was stopped by Mipha's high, breathy voice. He inwardly cursed, not wanting to deal with this, but went to her as chivalry and friendship dictated.

"I'm sorry to bother you..." The Zora princess fiddled with her fingers, gazing up and back at the floor. "...but I was wondering about something..."

_ Hurry up, Mipha... _If she'd just spit out whatever pointless crap she was going to say he could still catch Zelda in the stairway!

"I was wondering, if, umm..."

...

Link concentrated on holding his erection for Zelda.

"Well, the question is a bit embarrassing, so maybe I ought to-"

_ Mipha...this is exactly why we grew apart..._

"Maybe I ought to...ask you later about it... Yes, I realize it'd be best if I asked you in the breakfast hall or something, when you're not busy..."

_ SO YOU KNOW?_

"I apologize for keeping you. Farewell, Link!" She turned to leave.

"Goodbye, Mipha." His voice and face were like stone.

After making sure she'd gone down the staircase and into the Sanctum, the once-again horny knight headed for the opposite staircase, determined to make his sexual thoughts a reality. He froze when he heard The World's Most Annoying Voice drifting up from the stairway.

"Oh, _come on_, Princess... You _know_ I'm so much better than Link..."

"_Please_...I'm not into birds..."

Link's eyes protruded from their sockets. He blinked, pulse suddenly intensifying as a ferocious rage gripped his heart. He crept down the long, winding staircase, peering around the curve to see Revali backing Zelda against the wall. The Rito Champion chuckled.

"...Is it the feathers? Because I assure you, those are _no problem_ among our kind. They make things..._softer_..."

_ And what about the giant, hooked beak, you sick, feathered FREAK?_ Link seethed, aghast at the idea of a giant bird fucking a human girl. _And the talons? You're gonna cut up Zelda when you bring out the rooster?!_

"I already _told_ you.." Zelda's voice shook. "My interests lie _elsewhere_..."

"Like in that pathetic knight? I see how you two look at each other... All he wants is to get under your dress. Why don't you give your attentions to a _real_ hero, Princess, and accept that it is I who will save you from your inevitable prison with Ganon. You can thank me now by getting down on your knees and-"

He was yanked backward as Link slammed him up against a wall, tufts of blue down flying. Zelda shrieked.

"Listen, _Feathers_..." Link hissed, nose to beak with Revali. "_Zelda's mine. _Why don't you screw your own race and leave the princess alone? If I _ever _see you coming onto her again _I will slice your beak off._"

"Link, _stop-!_" But Zelda's warning wasn't enough to stop Revali from stabbing said beak into Link's face. The Hylian shouted, grabbing his face as blood spurted. The vengeful Rito delivered a roundhouse kick with his claw-ripping Link's tunic-and the Hylian Champion screamed as he fell down the stairs, bumping into corners, and coming to a crash at the bottom of the staircase.

"_Revali!_" Zelda cried. "Stop this now! _I order it as your commander!_"

Link groaned, wiping the blood off his eyes to see Revali descending upon him with an evil smirk. Bloodlust radiated off the Rito, ruffling his feathers. He grabbed Link off the floor, bringing him beak to nose with him. "Let's settle this, shall we?" he whispered, green eyes glinting. "Loser dies and winner gets to peck the princess forever after. You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this..."

Link socked him across his red cheek; Revali released a roar of rage as he shoved him against the wall with a sickening crack. Link unleashed his own epic roar-filled with hatred for Revali and manhood for Zelda-and tackled the six-foot tall bird to the ground. They wrangled on the floor, shrieks and curses mingling with Zelda's orgasmic screams as feathers flew and blood spew.

"_Oh, LINK! REVALI! Please stop! Please stop this now!_"

The Hylian Champion struggled to keep the Rito Champion on the floor and from unleashing his full potential. The bird-man was _much_ stronger than he ever imagined. Nature won out against nurture as Revali threw Link off with his gale, spreading his wings like a bat out of hell. The force of the wind knocked Zelda off her feet and onto the stairs.

"_You'll pay for that-!_" Link roared on behalf of his lady love. Revali sneered, saying it was her own fault for getting into a man's fight, but that he'll make her feel _better_ afterward. "_AAARGHHH!_" The Hero of Time charged, tackling into Revali with a crash.

The battle for Zelda's honor filled Link with a strength he didn't know he had. He finally succeeded in pinning Revali to the ground, hands squeezing his throat as he tried to make him pass out. The bird's eyes bulged, tongue sticking out of his beak.

"_KEGH...KEGHH!_"

Link thought he'd ended it-until the Rito brought a claw up and slashed deep across his abdomen, spraying bright red blood on both of them. Link grunted, tightening his grip, knowing he was no match for a Rito's natural strength and that holding on was his only chance. Revali slashed again, trying to kick Link off and the Hylian could only hope that his innards weren't falling out.

Several hands started pulling them apart as shouts were heard. General Impa and Captain Alfonzo arrived on the scene, the latter pulling Link off the bastard bird with his bulging biceps. Several Hylian soldiers held Revali back, arms under his wings.

All Link had wanted was to fuck Zelda.


	2. Chapter 2

While Link and Revali engaged in their epic duel of man versus bird, Zelda had ran back up to the Champions' Hall and exited the other staircase to call for help. That was how she was able to bring Impa and an entire army of soldiers onto the scene before the two Champions could kill eachother.

Link had to be hospitalized for several punctures and stitches were needed. He vowed to pay back Revali one day as Mipha stood by his bedside healing him with her special powers. Revali merely got a sore throat and a few bruises, which he bragged in his choking voice to anyone who would listen.

"What were you _thinking?_" Zelda said as she sat opposite Mipha next to Link's bed in the castle's hospital chambers. "I've repeatedly told you not to let Revali goad you! Any idiotic things he says or does, you report to _me!_"

"That's just it, it wasn't about me...he was disrespecting _you!_" Link's bandaged face glared up at the ceiling. "I am so sick of Revali doing that shit...acting like he can get away with it just because you're so-" He bit his lip, cheeks turning red not just from anger. "so nice and tolerant! Coming onto you like that was the final straw..."

Mipha froze in her healing, but Zelda asked, "...It really bothered you when he did that?"

"Yes..." Link turned to look at her, piercing blue eyes staring deep into her.

The moment was interrupted when Mipha rose to excuse herself. Link wondered aloud if something was wrong.

"Perhaps she needed to use the lavatory..." Zelda said, though she sounded unsure herself.

Mipha sitting on a castle shit-hole was the last thing Link wanted to think about.

* * *

"Congratulations, mate," Alfonzo said as he leaned forward in the chair Zelda had just left. "The whole Guard's talking about you as if you just slayed the Helmaroc King. They can't stop talking about 'Link, the Great Bird-Wrangling Hero."

Link snorted, rolling his eyes, but smiled.

"I'm serious, Link," Gonzo-as Alfonzo liked to be called-continued. "We all heard why you got into that fight... The entire Royal Guard is out right now for the Rito Champion's blood."

"You're shitting me," Link said, grinning.

"I don't shit. You should've seen how Groose reacted... Almost foaming at the mouth."

"_Hah hah_," The image of Groose having a seizure did some to cheer Link up.

Alfonzo let out his own chuckle, then sobered, voice lowering as he said, "Honestly though...I'd like to take a crack at that Rito myself..." Link looked at the ex-pirate; Alfonzo's expression was dark as he stared at the floor. "Hitting on Zelda like that...it's a disgrace..."

Link was sympathetic. Like him, Alfonzo was also horny for Zelda. They were both top officials in the Royal Guard and close friends of the princess. But Zelda was an ever-evading minx, forever cockteasing her would-be heroes.

"Don't blame me just because _you_ lack the confidence to show the princess your sexual prowess..." an annoying voice jeered from the doorway. Link and Gonzo looked to see Revali leaning against the archway, wings crossed. "If you even have any..."

Gonzo stood and faced him, dark face pissed. "If you have something to say, punk, hurry up and say it to my face."

"It will be my great pleasure..." Revali pushed himself off the wall, strutting towards them with a smug smirk on his face. He had a lot of feathered balls coming here to goad Link on his hospital bed just hours after the fight. He stood by Link's bedside, smirking down at the knight as he examined him from head to toe.

"Spit it out, punk. What do you want?"

"..._Hmph_..." The Rito smiled, crossing his wings as he continued looking down his beak at Link. "Who knew the c_hosen hero_ could look so pathetic lying there all plucked up and mangled from someone with far superior skills. If it wasn't for Impa and this boulder over here I would've slaughtered you..."

"Maybe you wanna be slaughtered yourself!" Gonzo roared, grabbing the Rito by his blue scarf.

"_Don't touch me-! _Hylian scum...!" Revali spat, shoving Gonzo away. "You're not even _worth_ looking at..." He turned back to Link, smirk returning as he re-crossed his wings. "I've come here to warn you... _Stay out of my way in regards to the princess. _Just because you lost control of your raging Hylian hormones doesn't mean I'm going to stop pursuing her. If you hadn't interrupted us I would've received the greatest blowjob in my life."

Link bolted up, unable to control himself. "As if Zelda would ever stoop to fucking a _bird_..."

"Would you like to bet on it?" Revali raised his wing in a fist. "You don't know what else we Rito can do with this beak of ours... Hylian women are so easy to control..."

"What in _fuck's name_ are you two talking about in there?" Urbosa asked.

They all turned to see Daruk and the Gerudo queen gaping at them with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. Alfonzo blushed, immediately going to the doorway and saluting the two Champions. Urbosa strutted past him, hand on her hip as Daruk followed and let out a low whistle.

"Did I just overhear you two horny voes talking about my little bird as if she's a piece of meat?" Urbosa asked, coming to a stop right by Revali. She swung her hair as she looked at him. Link flushed, wanting to explain himself but refusing to take back his words.

"I heard it too, Urbosa," Daruk trudged to her side, glancing at Link, then staring at Revali. "...I just hope the tiny princess never hears what just came out of Revali's beak right here..."

"..._Well?" _Urbosa's piercing green eyes stared into Revali's, fiery eyebrows raised. High heels made her as tall as he.

Revali scoffed, turning away from the group. "Spare me, Urbosa. Just know that the princess _will_ see my own bird one day, and believe me, it _won't_ be little!" He stalked out of the room, shoving past Alfonzo.

Daruk scratched his head, turning back to Link with a grimace. "...That Rito kid needs to get laid."

* * *

Mipha came back from the shitter to announce that her healing was complete. Link mentioned that his wounds still ached.

"Yes, well..." she said quietly. "I'm not feeling well at the moment... I promise to come back tomorrow once my powers have replenished."

"But I could be discharged tomorrow..." Link said, sounding indifferent but hoping Mipha would just muster up the power to soothe the burning on his ass.

"I am sorry, Link. But I really must go. If you are released, I could finish any end-healing in private sessions..." She turned away. "Goodbye..."

Great, now Mipha was upset with him. Why couldn't she and Revali just understand that he and Zelda weren't into fishes and birds?

"I oughta go too," Daruk yawned, cracking his neck. "Don't wanna miss the rock roast special they have going down for dinner tonight."

"Just do me a favor and don't eat too much like last time..." Urbosa said as they left. "I couldn't _stand_ all the sulphur farts you made afterward. No amount of incense could cover _that_ up."

They said goodbye to Link, Daruk bumping fists with Gonzo as they exited the hospital. Link fell asleep, dreaming that Princess Zelda was giving _him_ a blowjob.


	3. Chapter 3

"It has come to my attention that there have been _issues _among you..." Zelda said in the understatement of the century. Link sat beside her in the Champions' Hall, bandaged like a Gibdo and wearing an ugly gray shirt from his academy days. "particularly between the Rito and Hylian Champions. Yesterday's fight was a disgrace and has the entire castle gossiping about us as if we were nothing but a bunch of uncivilized ruffians. Thus, an emergency meeting has been called."

The five Champions sat silent. Urbosa and Revali each had their respective arms and wings crossed while Daruk scratched his beard, sighing. Mipha's hands were on her lap, face a mask.

"Link and Revali..." Zelda warbled. "Apologize to eachother at once."

Revali looked as if Zelda just told him to eat Dodongo shit. Link felt the same way though he hid it better. Finally, the Rito Champion said:

"_Never. _I will _never_ apologize for defending myself against that pathetic knight. If you had any sense, _Your Highness_, you would be telling him to apologize to me."

Zelda sighed, ignoring this blatant display of disrespect and giving the Asshole Bird a pass like she always did. Link was pissed. "...Link?" She beseeched her appointed knight.

"...No... I was defending your honor, Princess, and that is something I will _never _apologize for."

"I can't believe this..." The blonde held her chest, which Link noticed was looking particularly huge and luscious today. "Why must you two be so stubborn...?"

"They're voe, my little bird. They can't help it..." Urbosa said, ankles crossed and hands resting on her chair's arms. "You never see problems like this in female-only societies. The Man ruins everything."

"I can't help but agree..." Zelda said. "I never get problems like this from you or Mipha. Daruk is a rare exception, a real man if I ever saw one."

"He's a _rock._" Revali couldn't help saying. "And I'll show _you_ a real man, Princess, if you ever have the _royal audacity_ to get away from your shadow of a knight sometime."

Another goad, and Link was too enraged not to challenge it. "Like Zelda would ever touch a feathered freak like you..."

"Better me than a Hylian who flaps himself off in the mornings. I've heard your commanding officer..." Revali smiled.

Link flushed beet red; Zelda and Mipha both covered their mouth with their hand, eyes like saucers. Urbosa coughed, and Daruk let out a sulphur fart.

"Uhh, excuse me..." The Goron looked away, scratching his head. "Must've been that rock roast I ate last night..."

Princess Zelda and the Champions dispersed before the poisonous gas could eat them alive. It was all thanks to Daruk's fart that Link and Revali didn't get in another fight.

* * *

Link headed down to the castle stables to start the community service the king had dished him out as punishment. He met Revali there, shoveling cowshit into sacks and arranging them in piles.

"Nice smell you got there," Link said as he picked up a shovel and began working opposite his rival. "I'm sure the princess will positively swoon at the odor of feces-encrusted Rito."

Revali glared at him, brown spots splattering his beak. "Keep talking, Link. You'll be laughing when your princess performs that blowjob I mentioned in front of you and the entire royal court. Oh, and the king."

"Keep jerking to your sick fantasies..." Link said, shoveling shit from beneath a cow. "Daruk was right when he said you needed to get laid. Have the Rito girls back at your village not been giving you any love lately?"

"Hmph, they're too ugly for me... I only go for the _best_, the _otherworldly_... Which, unfortunately for you, is your little blond goddess...the only Hylian I ever liked. She'll thank me for my attentions when the time comes."

"Keep dreaming, loser," Link threw crap over his shoulder onto Revali's manure sack pile.

* * *

Link stood shirtless and hiding a huge boner under his bandages as Zelda took his measurements in a dressing room.

"You've stayed relatively the same..." she said, standing to examine her measuring tape. "A few new scars but that's something that can't really be helped, is it? I'll have your Champion's tunic repaired for you by the end of next week. I've already washed out most of the blood, I just need to make sure everything's in order before I begin..."

She left, saying she needed to fetch the blue garment from her room so Link could put it on while she examined it. Mipha sneaked in, gazing at Link's chest with the widest, most creepy eyes he'd ever seen. "...May I come in?"

"Yes, Mipha..." he almost sighed.

She took out her own measuring tape, placing it against his chest this way and that as if he couldn't notice.

"...What the heck are you doing...?"

"Oh! Um..." She took a few more measurements before smiling and hiding the tape behind her back. "I just needed to measure you myself for a new garment I was making... You know...a replacement since Revali ruined your last one..."

"Please don't mention Revali. And I appreciate the thought but Zelda's already mending my tunic."

"Oh..." Mipha's voice fell as if she didn't already know this. "Well, I hope you don't mind if I continue on the garment I'm fixing you... It's extra special and sure to protect you if you ever get into another fight." She smiled at him, slipping out of the room just moments before Zelda walked back in. Link enjoyed the rest of the day feeling the Princess of Hyrule's soft, angelic hands fondling his chest and abs.


	4. Chapter 4

The week passed in a blur of cowshit and the stench of manure. Link completed his community service, washing himself multiple times before once again donning his Champion's tunic, clean and as striking as the day he first wore it. It smelled of Zelda's perfume, and he masturbated in it a couple times before going down to the courtyards for archery training.

"Well, _look_ who it is!" Daruk said, lounging on the green grass with a wet towel around his non-existent neck. "I thought the little guy would never make it!"

"_Hmph. _I did tell you how busy he was in the mornings, didn't I?" Revali said, blowing up three long-distance targets with one shot of his Great Eagle Bow. Zelda stood a few feet away, striking bull's-eyes in almost just as many targets. Urbosa watched as she sat on a blanket, Mipha standing beside her and sipping a glass of water.

Link picked up a spare bow and quiver from a nearby weapons display and strode between Revali and Zelda, shooting down some of the former's line of targets. The bird glared at him.

"_My, my_..." Urbosa said, knee bent up and completely unconcerned that her underwear was showing. "That Champion's tunic looks as _good _as new, Link... I always knew my little bird had a talent for tailoring."

"Do you like it?" Zelda smiled at him, bow lowered.

"Princess..." Link remembered the massive ejaculation that had splattered all over his bed due to her sweet aroma. "I _love_ it..."

A loud, obnoxious voice suddenly rang behind them. "_Princess... _Please allow me the honor of helping you improve your archery skills. I _am_ a master, you know..." Revali smirked at Link as he whisked Zelda away with one wing. Link seethed, seeing red.

Daruk let out another sulphur fart, apologizing for the aftershocks of his brunch. Revali fanned the cloud away with his gale, smiling back at Zelda who remained untouched by the stench. A couple castle guards wheezed, falling off their posts on a turret as the cloud engulfed them. The wind whipped Zelda's long golden locks back, causing her to giggle, then cry out as her dress blew up, Revali flapping harder. Although the sight of Zelda squealing while trying to hold her upskirt down aroused Link, he couldn't _stand_ that it was his feathered nemesis causing the uproar.

"_Now, now_..." Urbosa said, pushing down her own flying sarong which had exposed her Brazilian wax. "Let's not get frisky, everyone. My little bird _is_ a proper pure maiden, after all... I will chop off the balls of any male trying to get under dress, and that does _not_ exclude you, Revali."

"Oh, _come on_, I was only _joking!_" the bird-man said, turning around with a smirk and wings crossed behind him now that his flap was done-in more ways than one.

Mipha had tried getting her ass-fins to flap around her the way Zelda's and Urbosa's skirts had. Link thought she looked like a kid doing the hula dance. He turned away from the scene, vowing to get revenge for this and ignoring Daruk's second volcanic eruption for the day.

* * *

Link entered Revali's room with a couple kids from the knight academy. Gonzo stood watch outside, having been convinced to participate in Link's scheme after he told him about the upskirt incident. Talo and Colin carried bags of the best Ordon goatshit over their shoulders as they followed Link into the darkened room and he closed the door.

The Hylian Champion turned on the lamp. Portraits of Revali posing like the statue of David assaulted their sight, along with his many medals and honors nailed to the walls. Talo gagged-and not just because the goatshit was becoming overpowering. Colin looked scared but determined as he huddled close to Link with a bag of crap behind him, set out to avenge his idol.

"Okay, kids..." Link said, turning to them. "Whatever you do, do _not_ leave any evidence whatsoever that you were here. Not a _single hair_, you understand? Revali's going to be _extremely pissed _when he finds the little present we're going to leave him today... Gonzo already agreed that the entire academy is going to take the blame, so the bird jerk won't know which one of us it was. Are you _sure_ you wanna help me with this?"

"Link-you didn't even hafta ask. I was _born_ to do crazy shit like this," Talo grinned at him, bumping his fist against his chest.

Link smiled, then turned to the shy blond. "...Colin?"

The boy's face was set. "...Link, I normally don't like doing stuff like this, but that bird has to _pay_ for what he did to you... You could've died..."

The former goat-herder bit his lip, trying to stop the manly tears from falling. _This_ was what Revali didn't have, and part of why he was so jealous of him. Link calmed himself, wiping his eyes, then smirked at the two mischief-makers. "...Okay, then... Let's do this."

* * *

"Look, Zelda. Your favorite-fruitcake..." Urbosa fed a forkful of the dessert to the blonde, leaning over the dining table. Whipped cream stuck to Zelda's lips as she scooped it with a finger and licked it, making Link's crotch throb. Mipha didn't seem to notice his ignited libido as she leaned over to try to feed him a piece of fish-shaped pie. He ignored her probing until she was forced to sit, listening to Daruk chomp on rocks. That bastard Revali hadn't yet returned from his errand delivering high-priority mail for the king.

Link stared into his soup, wishing Zelda wouldn't just see him as a friend but also an irresistible sexual partner. His thoughts were interrupted when an orgasmic male voice sounded throughout the hall:

_"My beloved princess..." _a young Sheikah Bard called as he strode towards her, long silver hair in a bun. "It has been too long..."

All traces of Link's erection vanished. Zelda gave an uncomfortable giggle as the Bard kissed her hand, and-after giving greetings to the present Champions except for Link-began piping his accordion while singing of Zelda's beauty.

Link would've spent the rest of the night stewing if Revali hadn't suddenly walked in, face set like one of Ganondorf's gargoyles.

"_Ahh-_if it isn't the Rito Champion-!" the Bard said, turning to him. Revali shoved him to the ground and the carousel music came to a stop with crash.

"_Revali-!_" Zelda stood up.

The bird-man lifted Link out of his seat, bringing him so close Link's nose touched his beak. _"You think you're funny, don't you?"_ Revali whispered, eyes bloodshot. _"Like I wouldn't know it was YOU who smeared SHIT all over my room! You want to play dirty with me, is that it, Link? You want me to show you what I'm REALLY capable of?!"_

"Stop this now, Revali!" Zelda had gotten out of her chair as did the rest of the Champions to try to break things up.

"Release him at once!" Mipha chimed in as Revali smacked back Daruk's gigantic hand.

_"I can play dirty too, Link-I'm GLAD you've started this!"_ He continued shaking him off the ground. _"I promise you, you're going to regret EVER making a fool out of me."_ He dropped Link to the floor, stalking out of the hall before anyone could question him. After grunting his shock, Daruk turned to pursue Revali, Urbosa following not far behind.

Link dusted his tunic as he sat on his ass, having been through worse. Revali's threats didn't scare him. The bird thought he was big and bad but he was really just a tiny piece of Korok shit compared to the monsters the chosen hero had already faced. What pissed him off was how he'd frightened Zelda like that.

"Are you all right, Link?" The Hylian goddess knelt beside him, hand cradling his back. The knight turned to stare at her generous rack which perked out of her white corset and even Mipha's creepy gaze and the Bard's groans weren't enough to stop his erection from forming again.


	5. Chapter 5

Fortune-tellers spoke in tongues about the return of Ganon's Armageddon. They warned the rupee-loaded King Rhoam that it was only a goddess-reincarnated princess, her appointed knight, and four of Hyrule's best warriors who could stop this. He immediately called a meeting to update his daughter and her dysfunctional team about their approaching doomsday.

Daruk passed gas as soon as King Rhoam left the Champions' Hall. "_Ahhh..._had to hold that one in..."

"I am so _sick_ of your volcanic eruptions, Daruk," Revali began beating the stench out the windows. "It's a disgrace that someone like you is even part of this group of '_Hyrule's Saviors'..."_

"I'm sorry! I think it's the castle food or somethin'! I'm not normally this gassy!"

After Urbosa spritzed the air with perfume, Zelda began her speech,

"Father's right. We need to begin preparing and intensifying our training. Ganondorf could revive any second and we still don't know who will be first to meet him-"

"It will be _me_, Your Highness. I thought we've already agreed upon that." Revali's tone left no room for question.

"Since when?" Daruk looked at Link, bushy eyebrows raised.

"Since Link rescinded his authority by ransacking my room. What kind of hero does that?"

"Look..." Link said, leaning forward in his chair to stare at his eternally-pissed rival. "Just because I smeared goatshit all over your stupid portraits doesn't mean that you're automatically the hero. That's a bit desperate and illogical, even for you, wouldn't you say?"

Mipha, Zelda, Daruk, and Urbosa all gasped. They were so used to Link's silence and poker face that they forgot he had balls under that erection that was always rising for Zelda. He was the keeper of the Triforce of Courage, after all, and disputing over his role as chosen hero was _one_ thing he _wouldn't_ tolerate from Revali.

An intense silence passed. "_Well..._" Revali drawled, smug smirk returning as he leaned further back in his chair. "It seems you _do_ have some balls, after all... _Like it matters... _The princess and I discussed things last night, and agreed that some comeuppance was in the works for you having defiled my life's pride."

Link blinked, then looked at Zelda, who looked away. Daruk, Urbosa, and Mipha looked equally confused, eyes wide as they looked to and fro at the three.

More silence.

_"...Zelda..." _Link stared at her with agony, trying to catch her eye. "..._Please_ tell me you didn't agree to something insanely stupid with Revali..."

Zelda stared down, a tortured look upon her face as she whispered, "...He threatened to leave the Champions if I didn't give him a chance at playing the hero..."

Link stared up at Revali, face aghast. The Rito Champion stared back, smirking wide as his piercing green eyes glimmered.

"I told you not to _FLOCK_ with me."

* * *

Link couldn't believe this. When the meeting ended he immediately cornered Zelda in the empty stairway, demanding that she rescind this insane decision.

"I can't, Link..." She pushed against his chest, his arms pinned on both sides of her against the wall. Link didn't budge. "I already gave my word... And you know how Revali is about unfulfilled expectations... Being one less Champion short is the _last_ thing we need in this fight with Ganon."

"Is he _really _a Champion if he's so quick to drop it all and let Hyrule burn just because he didn't get his way? Do we _really _need someone like that?"

Zelda tried pushing Link's arm away which was stuck to the wall like glue.

_"Answer me, Zelda!"_

_"Please, Link... _This is stressful enough as it is! He's just mad because you smeared goat feces all over his room! Who's idea was it for you to do _that?"_

_"He blew up your dress..." _Link leaned in closer to her, pinning one of her wrists above her head. "I couldn't forgive him for that..."

_"Goddesses, Link..." _She turned her head away. "Urbosa was right when she said the only things voes think with is with their snakes!"

She ducked beneath his arm and smoothed out her royal blue dress, back turned to him. Zelda sighed, small fists clenched as she turned back to face Link. "I don't expect him to win, Link... _You're_ the one who pulled the Master Sword and _nothing's_ going to change that. I'm just waiting for things to blow over so he could stop being so upset and we can let go of this ridiculous plan."

"Why not let go of it now?!" Link called as she descended the stairs and disappeared into the Sanctum. He growled in frustration, banging his head against the wall as he glared up at the ceiling, fists clenched.

As he walked off the stairway he heard a familiar annoying chuckle sound behind him. He turned to see Revali leaning against the staircase, wings crossed. Link couldn't control the rage that surged through him.

"Her _Royal Highness _really is something, isn't she? She thinks I _can't win_... I'll show her... By the end of this Ganon thing I'll have her _begging_ for forgiveness for ever thinking I was in any way inferior to you..."

Link continued glaring at him, silence cold. Revali went on,

"Look at you... You don't even know what to say... _This_ is Hyrule's hero? How you were chosen I will never know... It makes me sick just thinking about it..."

"Why did you even join this group?"

The Rito was silent a moment_. _"...Hmph... As if I'd ever tell _you_... Do you _need _a reason to join Hyrule's most prestigious, elite group?" He pushed off the staircase, smirking at Link as he prepared to leave. "Just know that three things are certain in this battle with Ganon: one, I'm going to slaughter the beast. Two, I'm going to completely and utterly humiliate you. And three, I'm going to get that blowjob from the princess." He made his way to the Sanctum's steps, calling back with a wing raised, "Hope your luck holds out this time, hero!"

Link was only sure of three things when that asshole Rito finally left the Sanctum: one, _he_ was going to slaughter Ganon. Two, _he_ was going to completely and utterly humiliate Revali. And three, _he _was going to get that blowjob from the princess.


	6. Chapter 6

"Link-will you marry me?" Mipha asked as said Hylian walked past her. It was only when he realized he'd left his room keys with Gonzo for safe-keeping did he turn to her in the empty hallway.

"..."

"Please, Link...your silence hurts me... I just want to know your true feelings for me..." The red-scaled Zora sniffed as she held close the Zora armor she'd apparently made for him. _Damn_. He felt like a real asshole. Mipha, creepy as she sometimes was, deserved better than someone who always ignored her.

"Mipha...listen... I'm flattered that you like me. Really... And I appreciate that you made that armor for me. But my heart belongs to someone else... You deserve better."

Mipha sniffed again through the nose that didn't exist. "...It's Zelda, isn't it? Oh, I should've known! How could I ever compare to the Hylian princess, even though you and I have been friends since childhood!"

"...Mipha, we've been growing apart for years. And I've known Zelda _way _longer..."

The Zora princess burst into tears, running down the corridor and into the soldiers' breakfast hall where they no doubt would do nothing to ease her pain. Link sighed, glad that that awkward moment was over with, and went to find Gonzo.

* * *

Link entered the training grounds just as Urbosa sliced off the banana-dick she'd tied onto a life-sized Yiga ninja doll.

_"Yeah!" _Daruk punched the air even as he winced, clutching his loincloth of Goron family jewels._ "You get 'im, girl!" _

Revali was in his usual dark corner shooting arrows into a Ganondorf wanted poster while Zelda sat on a cloth-covered chair with a book on her lap, watching her Champions train.

All except for one. Link noticed Mipha's absence and wondered if she was still crying where a random knight was asking why the fish-princess was in the breakfast hall. He felt horrible, but what was he supposed to do? Marry into a family of amphibians and wear a fish's tailed ass on his head?

Asshole as it made him feel, at least he didn't have to worry about aquatic eyes gazing at his chest anymore. He strutted into the middle of the room as he took off his shirt, displaying his smooth rippling chest and six pack in front of Zelda while folding his beloved tunic and placing it on a nearby table.

_"Oh my..."_ Urbosa caught sight of Link. "I always did say you were the most impressive voe I've ever met, Link, but you've taken that title to new heights... The princess is one lucky vai."

"Oh, please, he's not that impressive," Revali glowered at Link. "He's just desperate to gain Her Highness's attention and thinks stripping naked is the best way."

"True or not, ya gotta admit the little guy's got _boulders..._" Daruk chuckled, polishing his oversized sword on the ground beside Urbosa. "I know a brother when I see one and Link isn't afraid to show off his manliness for the tiny princess!"

Zelda's face was deep red as she tried hiding her blush behind a book. Link drunk from a pitcher of water, sighing as rivulets ran down his taut muscles and into his pants. He picked up a bow and arrow to begin flexing his testosterone-given gifts, Zelda's eyes having a harder and harder time focusing on her research as she bit her lip.

Revali was looking more and more pissed, glaring at both Link and Zelda like he wanted to start using _them _for target practice.

Link would've enjoyed his moment of glory further if Mipha hadn't suddenly walked in, dabbing her tears with a handkerchief. She gasped, freezing, and Link could once again feel those aquatic golden eyes glued to his chest.

* * *

The Hylian Champion went into the kitchens for a late-night snack. He walked past the dining hall carrying dinner's leftovers in a basket with a filled roll in his mouth only to hear something that put cold water on his stroking plans for the night.

_"Don't you understand?"_ the noxious, haughty voice hissed. _"I'm _the hero!"

"Just because you say it doesn't make it so, Revali,"

The sandwich dropped from Link's mouth. He felt rage consume him again as he peered between the double door's crack into the dining hall. The dim fireplace illuminated two shadowy figures by the table, one tall and bird-like and the other short and hourglass-shaped with long hair.

"It doesn't matter what you think," Revali glared at Zelda, wings crossed. "I don't _ever _want to see you making eyes at that pathetic knight again! _It's disgusting!"_

"I was not aware that _showing you attraction _was part of the deal..." The blonde's eyes narrowed, fists clenched.

_"Huh, _then you must be _new _to this profession, _Princess..._ Getting into those royal skirts of yours is _absolutely_ part of the deal..."

Link was about to burst into the hall when Zelda's gasp stopped him.

_"You disgust me..."_ Princess Zelda glared up at the sexually-frustrated half-man-half-animal._ "_When are you going to get it through your cockatoo head that I am _NOT. INTO. BIRD!"_

_"Do you know what we Rito can do with this beak of ours?!" _Revali shook a winged fist at her.

Light flashed over them as Impa stood in a bathrobe and towel turban in the door opposite Link, red eyes wide and nostrils flaring as she held a torch. "What the _hell_ is going on here?"

Link had to contain his laughter as Zelda's battle-ax Sheikah bodyguard began tearing Revali a new one.

_"Revali, _you're lucky I don't call Urbosa here to chop your balls off! Because Hylia knows if she doesn't do it, the king will. If I _ever _catch you disgracing the princess like this again, I'll do it myself."

"Impa, please, he's just being stupid-"

"Princess, what are _you_ doing out of bed? I can't believe you're actually down here accommodating this fool! Don't you know _he's_ the one who's supposed to be serving _you?_"

_You tell her, Impa!_ Link cheered as he continued listening to the tongue-lashing and hoping the ball-chopping Triforce of Doom would come reigning down on Revali.

"Both of you go back to your rooms. If you don't want me telling your father about this, Zelda, I suggest you never come down here again _'negotiating'_ with someone who's supposed to be sworn to you completely. And the same goes for you, Revali, if you don't want me telling King Rhoam. It's time we all went to bed."

Link never slept more peacefully that night, nor had a bigger orgasm.


	7. Chapter 7

King Rhoam and his army came bursting into the Champions' Hall, the old man holding his back as he wheezed that Ganondorf had revived on top of Death Mountain and was now flying around the area throwing lightning balls at the Gorons and tourists and terrorizing everyone.

Princess Zelda and her Champions stood.

"He's here." Urbosa stated.

"This is it, then..." Daruk said

"Are you sure it's him?" Mipha asked.

"Positive." Revali whispered, staring out the tower. He turned toward the group, eyes bloodshot as he gestured his wing to Ganondorf currently flying around outside the window. _"You don't need a Rito's superior sight for THAT!"_

Everyone screamed as Ganondorf shot in through the window like Superman. Soldiers surrounded the king as all five Champions got in front of Zelda. Ganondorf laughed, crossing his arms and looking like a magic genie as he hovered circles in the center of the room, long red cape billowing.

"_Ganondorf!"_ King Rhoam hissed, staring up at the King of Evil. "You _dare_ intrude into the sacred heart of the kingdom? I swear upon the Gods of Hyrule I will have you sent back to the hell from whence you came!"

Link raised the Master Sword that wasn't his penis just as the aptly-named cock of the group, Revali, readied his Great Eagle Bow to no doubt play the hero role he was destined to fail. Urbosa brandished her Scimitar of the Seven as she faced the most infamous Gerudo to ever have a dick.

_"Finally,"_ she said as she stepped forward, green eyes flashing like lightning. "We Gerudo can at last achieve vengeance for you having defiled our name! I've waited long for the moment when I incinerate you into a pile of ash, _Ganon..."_

Revali stepped beside her, arrows aimed closer at the evil king. "You can have the bits and pieces when I'm done with him, Urbosa. Remember the princess promised this scum to _me."_

Link couldn't _believe_ Revali was actually going to start this shit in the middle of the apocalypse-and in front of the_ king_, no less! He stepped further out past Revali as he held his sword with both hands. "That's nice of you to offer, Revali, but _I'm_ the one who wields the sword that seals the darkness. The Demon King will fall by _my_ hand."

"On whose divine orders? Last I checked the _Goddess-blooded_ _princess _is the one who chooses her hero."

_"Please, Link and Revali, we mustn't fight...!" _Zelda whispered amid the shocked silence and gaping stares of Hyrule's forces. Daruk and Mipha went forward to try talking some sense into the rivals while Zelda stood back pleading for her young, testosterone-filled Champions to work together with her.

Ganondorf laughed again, throwing his head back. "Still thirsty for cock, eh, Princess? I always knew the Goddess Hylia liked riding giant birds but this is a new low... How does it feel, Link, knowing that your _sacred princess_ has to cocktease your rivals just to keep them in line?"

Link's eyes almost popped out at the perverse Gerudo's foul words as most everyone choked and gasped. Even Revali was thrown off-eyes growing widest at the mention that Zelda liked riding giant birds. King Rhoam stepped forth looking like he was having a seizure.

"_You DARE speak to my beloved daughter in such a filthy, vile way?!"_ he bellowed. "_I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!" _

The Demon King cackled, giant nose sticking up. "Didn't know your daughter was a whore, eh, King Rhoam? You always were nothing but a pathetic, oblivious old man... You're not even _worth_ my time. I've come here to take back what's mine."

Before anyone could realize what he meant he zoomed around the Champions and grabbed Zelda from her now-unguarded opening. She screamed as he flew with her out the window.

_"NO!" _Urbosa screamed.

_"SAVE HER!" _thundered the king.

_"It will be my GREATEST pleasure..."_ Revali said, posing on top of the windowsill in a parody of some kind of epic hero. Link ran and jumped onto the blustering bird just as he took off.

_"GET OFF ME! YOU STUPID HYLIAN!" _Revali roared as Link hung from his feathery, scaly leg hundreds of feet above Hyrule Castle's grounds. Mipha, Daruk, and Urbosa all screamed from the diminishing window, their voices becoming lost as Revali flew further and further and the wind picked up. _"YOU JUST HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!"_

_"SHUT UP AND TAKE ME TO ZELDA! IT'S YOUR JOB! OR DO YOU WANT GANONDORF TO GET AWAY WITH HER?!"_

Revali cursed and actually tried shaking Link off to fall to his death. Link held on for dear life, his love for Zelda the only thing keeping him from taking the bastard bird down with him. Ganondorf laughed up ahead and turned in mid-air to start throwing lightning balls at them.

_"LINK! REVALI!" _Zelda screamed over Ganondorf's shoulder as the Rito swore again and began dodging the crackling lightning balls with Link dangling behind him like a piece of turd. They zoomed around Hyrule Castle in the nightmarish Blood Moon sky, Link holding back vomit as they tried catching up to Ganondorf who seemed to be playing with them.

_"He wants ME, asshole!" _Link shouted up at Revali, wind whipping his hair and clothes. _"He's trying to get rid of you so I can go and face him alone!"_

_"SHUT UP!" _Revali screamed, red eyes bulging and feathers askew so that he resembled an insane, pissed-off vulture. Link wished he wasn't such an asshole so the two of them could make a plan!

He grunted as he tried climbing onto Revali's back, grabbing hold of his tailed ass and pulling on both flesh and feathers. The Rito shrieked and cursed, trying his hardest to shake Link off again. Link couldn't believe Revali was so willing to let the chosen hero die, that he was actually trying to _kill _him... Then he looked down and saw the water-filled moat below...

So _that's _what the bird bastard's plan was... He was trying to ditch him so he could fly off and go after Ganondorf and Zelda on his own! There was _no way _Link was going to let that happen... Saving Zelda was _his _job.

The Hero of Time continued climbing Revali's ass. The Rito Champion continued screeching at Link, stooping and swerving and flapping around Hyrule Castle's impossibly tall towers and turrets while trying not to lose sight of Ganondorf. The King of Evil turned in mid-air again, smirking as he crooked a finger at Revali while holding a screaming Zelda against him with his other arm.

_"HE'S TRYING TO TRICK YOU!" _Link screamed.

_"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!"_

Revali apparently didn't because a short while later the two bickering Champions crashed into a tower as Ganondorf duped them. Ganondorf's laughs and Zelda's cries were the last things Link heard as he passed out, sliding down castle rooftops and hoping he would land in the moat that bastard Revali tried putting him in.


	8. Chapter 8

The Champions arrived at the Yiga Clan's hideout, red-clad ninja sitting on cavernous floors as they stroked their non-sexual bananas. For once Link was glad Mipha was obsessed with his own banana because it was thanks to her he was here right now instead of lying like a Redead back at the castle hospital.

"Remember: _Ganon's mine..."_ Revali hissed, penguin eyebrows low over his narrowed eyes as he crouched among the group. Link wished Mipha hadn't healed the piece of bird shit after they'd fallen in the moat following the crash-land with Ganondorf and had instead left him with his broken wings at the infirmary.

Daruk and Urbosa reminded Revali that it was _Link_ who was the true hero and would therefore be the one to confront Ganondorf. Revali had something like a mental breakdown, raging and ranting that all Daruk, Urbosa, and Mipha did was suck Link's cock! He stormed off, ignoring Daruk's shouts while vowing to slaughter Ganondorf and rescue Zelda himself.

A bodybuilder ninja in a skin-tight suit appeared in a flurry of paper tags and whistled with his fingers. Revali flew past him just as the spiked wooden gate ahead slammed shut, smirking back at Link with a mad gleam in his eye. Link knew then that the asshole bird had staged the whole thing from the start just to get to Zelda and Ganondorf first.

_"I'LL HANDLE THIS!" _Daruk boomed as he began swinging his massive Boulder Breaker like a merry-go-round towards the Yiga Blademaster. Explosions went off in the room ahead and Link knew Revali was desecrating the place with his bomb arrows.

It wasn't long before Daruk sent the Yiga Blademaster flying through the air with an epic punch and the gate lifted. The Champions bolted through, looking around as they ran through the now-destroyed Japanese-style hall with red lanterns on the ground and splats of banana on the walls.

There was no one in sight.

_"NO, STOP IT!" _a girl's high-pitched voice pierced the air.

_"ZELDAAA!" _Link screamed as the others released their own cries and they all scrambled through the passageway that led to the leader's room. They entered and gasped to see Ganondorf holding Revali off the floor by the neck, laughing as the Rito choked and struggled, Great Eagle Bow lying at the corner of the room.

"_LINK! SAVE HIM!" _Zelda screamed, struggling in bindings of ropes that tied her to the bed behind them.

Link swung his Master Sword through the air releasing a blade of light that sliced Ganondorf's forearm who grunted and dropped Revali to the ground.

The two mortal enemies faced off, Urbosa and Daruk inching towards Zelda as Mipha inched the opposite way towards Revali who gasped and coughed, holding his neck as he glared up at Link and Ganondorf.

"So, the _real _hero finally arrives..." Ganondorf smirked, glancing down at Revali who shook with rage. The Demon King tore a piece of cloth from a nearby table, wrapping it around his gushing arm as if it were just a minor cut. "I was wondering how long it would take your precious princess to finally lure you here... I must say, Link, I'm not disappointed." He chuckled.

Link moved around him, sword clutched in both hands as he glanced down to see Mipha healing Revali while everyone else stood back.

"But you're all a bunch of pathetic fools. Because not only have you made it easier for me to take back the two pieces of the Triforce-and at last become ruler of the world-you've given me the opportunity to exterminate the so-called 'Champions' of Hyrule in one sweeping blow. Yes, I owe it all to you!"

_"Like hell, Bacon-Breath!" _Daruk snarled. "When this is over Link and I are chaining you to Rudania so you can take a one-way trip back to hell where you belong!"

_"Agreed."_ Urbosa snapped her fingers and green lightning came bolting down on Ganondorf. He quickly redirected it at Mipha who screamed and instinctively dodged, missing death by an inch. Zelda and the Champions cried out as Urbosa stood horror-struck at what she almost just did.

_"Hmph..." _Ganondorf sneered at Urbosa. "You honestly thought you were the only one who could control lightning? Only _I_ possess the _true power _as the Gerudo tribe's rightful, born king. After I kill you all _I'm_ chaining the four of you to your Divine Beasts so you can suffer for the rest of eternity. You can watch as I destroy Hyrule while I break Zelda bit by bit."

_"You're _the one who's going to suffer for the rest of eternity..." Urbosa said, though her voice shook. "And I promise you here and now, I'll make you _regret_ the tragic day you were born if you _ever_ dare to come near my little bird."

"Oh?" Ganondorf turned towards Zelda who lay on the bed. "And who's going to protect her from me once I kill you?"

Revali bolted up and charged at Ganondorf, grabbing Mipha's Lightscale Trident. Mipha shrieked-and not just at the theft of her birth-given weapon-just as Zelda, Daruk, and Link released their own cries and Urbosa screamed:

_"NO, REVALI!"_

Ganondorf stole Urbosa's scimitar in her moment of horror and whipped around to plunge it deep inside Revali's gut, blood spurting across the floor and walls as the sword came out the Rito's back.

_"NOOOOO!" _Zelda screamed.

_"BLEGHH-!"_ Revali vomited blood which dripped down his beak and soaked his front. He looked down, clutching Ganondorf's hand as he tried pulling the blade out which had been buried to the hilt. Ganondorf laughed, commenting on how pathetic the Rito Champion really was before yanking the sword out with one harsh tug, spraying gore everywhere. _"AUUGHH!" _ Revali collapsed back in a bloody heap, eyes closed as blood spilled out his open beak and he lay still.

Zelda's screaming almost shattered the pots in the room. Link and Daruk roared with rage as they attacked Ganondorf, both jumping into the air with an insane face and a sword over their head like true brothers in battle. Ganondorf blocked Link's swing with the scimitar as he dodged Daruk who crashed into the wall and went rolling through the secret entrance that led outside. Link and Ganondorf began sword-clashing as Urbosa went to untie Zelda and Mipha went over to try healing the blood-soaked mass of feathers that was now Revali.

Link had never liked Revali but that didn't mean he wasn't pissed at what just happened. He glared at Ganondorf as they clanged swords, teeth clenched as he moved outside to get the grinning psychopath away from the girls. He could hear Daruk screaming for help as the Goron hung on the edge of a giant hole in the ground, his Boulder Breaker a few feet away.

Green lightning suddenly zapped Ganondorf and he dropped the scimitar, buzzing with his red hair sticking up. Link snatched the sword and tossed it back towards Urbosa who stood inside the room with Mipha, Revali, and Zelda out of sight. The Gerudo king stopped his dance of electrocution, remarking on what a piece of shit Urbosa's legendary scimitar had been anyway before flying across the ground to grab Daruk's gigantic sword.

_"HELP MEEEEE!" _the boulder-man screamed as the Gerudo Champion rushed to pull him up, scimitar sheathed as she cast a glance of agony at the battle she was unable to join.

_"Who's going to protect your pathetic friends when you're gone?" _Ganondorf grinned, laughing as he and Link continued fighting with sweat dripping down the latter's forehead. The Master Sword began chipping against Daruk's oversized mountain-carver combined with Ganondorf's power.

_"Link, please help us!" _Mipha cried, she and Zelda having gone to help Urbosa pull Daruk out of the hole who must've weighed as much as a small house. Revali lay bloody and unconscious at their side.

_"Who's going to protect Zelda?" _Ganondorf panted, bloodlust gleaming in his eyes as he backed Link closer to the hole. _"I'll make sure the five of you are reduced to ashes but the goddess reborn may still have some use... Would you like to hear a few of them before I kill you?"_

Link had to concentrate _hard_ not to let Ganondorf's words get to him, glad for once that he was emotionally inept. He looked towards his crying comrades with agony, unable to figure any way out of this.

_"Dammit, Revali, you arrogant, useless SHITBAG!" _Urbosa cried, arms trembling as she simultaneously tried holding onto Daruk while keeping herself from sliding into the hole. _"WAKE UP NOW, PLEASE!"_

_"Are you finally ready to die?" _Ganondorf said as Link stood just inches away from the endless pit. He reached out, intent on taking Link's piece of the Triforce before killing him.

A loud boom interrupted their moment of reckoning. Ganondorf froze as the booms continued, sounding like massive footsteps heading straight towards them. He turned and looked up to see Divine Beast Vah Naboris looming down at him from over the mountains.

Ganondorf's golden eyes went bloodshot as Urbosa screamed,

_"DO IT, NABORIS!" _

Red light charged at the mechanical camel's face and Ganondorf had only several seconds to scream and run before Naboris shot an epic blast of bright red light directly at him followed by a holy siege of blue-white energy. The King of Evil screamed as the gargantuan laser struck him, doing another dance as it continued assaulting him in its blinding light and he finally lay smoking on the ground away from Link.

Link stared, unable to process what the hell just happened. Then he ran to help pull Daruk out of the hole.

_"HURRY!" _Urbosa cried as Ganondorf started twitching and they all stared in disbelief at how the satanic asshole could survive something so catastrophic. They lifted Revali onto Daruk's back; Link went to pick up the Goron's Boulder Breaker as Urbosa grabbed Revali's bow and they all went running back into the Yiga Clan's hideout, Mipha clutching her trident as Zelda was kept in the middle of the pack.

* * *

Urbosa had directed her Divine Beast to meet them out in the desert. By the time the group reached Naboris, they were dehydrated like mummies, panting with Mipha looking like a dried-up fish corpse. They climbed inside the huge mechanical camel which knelt on the desert sand; Naboris then rose, heading towards Kara Kara Bazaar for water and supplies.

The conscious saviors of Hyrule agreed that they'd take down Ganon another day, that it was too risky going back to finish him off without Revali and that the near-disaster proved they needed more training. They gathered around the Rito as Mipha began healing him, kneeling by his side as Zelda knelt by his other and the group talked.

Revali fluttered his eyes open.

_"Well, _LOOK who finally woke up!" Daruk grinned and everyone stopped conversing to stare.

Silence passed as Revali blinked and looked around, still on his back. Link stood by Mipha as he watched and he could see a pathetic mixture of anguish and resentment pass over Revali's eyes as he caught sight of Zelda and the hero.

"How are you feeling?" Urbosa asked, kneeling beside him on one knee with one arm draped over the other.

Revali looked away, saying nothing. Then he slowly sat up and Mipha stood back, knowing he wanted his space.

An intense, awkward silence passed.

"..._Welll_, I suppose you oughta start thanking Mipha..." Daruk began, scratching his head. "...since she _did_ just save your life and all..."

Revali cast her a muted glare and it seemed that was all Mipha was going to get from the Rito Champion. Link could feel his hatred of Revali rising back to its normal levels. Urbosa sighed as she also stood, crossing her arms.

When the group received nothing but more ungrateful silence from the Rito, Urbosa finally said, "And Link." Said Hylian thought she was just saying this out of spite now. "You should _really _thank Link, too, Revali. He _also_ saved you life..."

This seemed to rouse Revali out of his sulking for he scoffed and said, "_Oh, please... _He was just doing his _job..." _Something in his voice broke as he turned away, looking like he wanted to die. "_I_ would've handled things myself if _he _hadn't arrived. But as usual, he wants _all _the glory..."

Even Mipha had to sigh as Daruk did the same, shaking his head. Zelda stood, turning away from Revali, who peeked up at her.

"I _really_ can't believe you, Revali..." she said, voice heavy with disappointment as she stepped past him towards Link. Revali glared at her, green eyes burning like embers of a dying fire of shattered pride, broken dreams, and something like longing... Link always thought Revali was pathetic but for the first time since their fight, he genuinely felt _sorry_ for him... Princess Zelda smiled up at Link as she touched his chest with her long, dark lashes lowered and all thoughts of pity suddenly vanished from his mind as he felt the beginnings of an epic boner coming on.

"Link doesn't save people because he wants _glory..._" Zelda continued, staring deep into her knight's cerulean eyes. "He saved you because he knew it was the right thing to do. And _that..."_ She leaned in closer as she licked her lips, wrapping her arms around his neck. "...is what makes him a _true_ hero." She kissed him, eyes closed.

The Champions gaped, wide-eyed and shocked, as did Link. Then he closed his eyes and deepened the kiss, pulling her tight against him as he buried his hand in her long, silky hair and felt up her waist with the other. Their tongues touched and Link shivered, unable to wait for the moment when they were away from prying eyes and he could _really _show Zelda how he felt.

After a moment of hot-faced shock, Daruk and Urbosa cheered, the former punching the air and the latter clapping as they ignored Mipha's heart-shattered expression and Revali's disgusted, envious one. Link and Zelda parted...and the hero knew he was not only going to get Zelda's love but also that blowjob he wanted tonight.

They smiled, Princess Zelda and the Champions riding into the sunset inside Naboris's ass as twilight fell over the warm desert. Link couldn't have asked for anything better.

**THE END.**


End file.
